Confidence Looks Different in Midlife

If you have spent even one second in the therapy/coaching world, you will know that there is a major push to create your niche, speak to your dream client, call in your ideal applicant.

I am going to admit- I have struggled with this.  It felt so stifling to me, too constrictive.  For years, I’ve worked with men, women, and even children—and I’ve loved every second of it. There’s something sacred about witnessing transformation in any form. But lately the feminist in me has been coming in hot.  And with that insight, I know I’m being called—at least in this season of my career—to work exclusively with women. (Sorry dudes!)

I sometimes feel that womanhood is somewhat just of a niche itself. Womanhood is so damn complicated.  There is so much pressure to be everyhing, to everyone, all at once and yet still somehow find the time, space, capacity to practice self-care, build confidence, go after your dreams.

I have been honored to witness so many women do so many profound things in my work- overcome debilitating insecurity in their bodies, release mom-guilt, file for divorce, switch careers, heal from trauma, reclaim their sexuality, write books, start companies, retire, open businesses, build boundaries, stop people-pleasing, overcome shame, let go of limiting beliefs, find their voice.

And I wouldn’t want to miss a single one of those moments with any of those women.

But this week, I had a powerful insight.  While there are so many special moments with all of the women and clients I serve, I am the most jazzed up working with women in midlife.

I have a particular (and largely unpopular) opinion on women in their 30s and up. I don’t believe that our dreams have expiration dates.  I don’t subscribe to timelines.  I don’t ever think it’s too late or someone is too old to redefine what they want in life.

No, in fact, I think quite the opposite.  It is all that has happened before that has shaped the insight and perspective that is in front of you at this moment.  It is all that you have survived up until now that has been building your strength, wisdom, and courage that will allow you to have the resilence and divine intution to trust what you know you are ready for next.

On a personal level, I cherish my age. I had my first kid at 43 and I don’t think I would have the patience to have had her even a minute sooner than she arrived.  I’m bringing more security into motherhood—financial, emotional, physical—than I ever could have in my 30s.

In fact, my 30s were spent rebuilding. I went back to school in my mid-30s, starting over so completely that I was cocktail waitressing at night just to afford rent while interning for free to earn the hours I needed for licensure.

None of it was easy. But every part of it shaped the woman I am now: grounded, resilient, and crystal clear on what actually matters. They arrived at the exact time they needed to unfold. I am now about to embark into my mid-40s with a true sense of who I am, what I want and what is needed to get there.

I’ve also had the divine honor of witnessing transformation in real time. I was in Paris with a woman who gave up alcohol at 60—and is now leading other women to do the same. One of my clients retired at 50 and started a business from the ground up, in a completely different field, quite literally building parts of it with her own two hands. A close friend just published her first book at 45. And a midlife client recently reclaimed a part of herself she had long buried—tapping into a deep, unapologetic connection to her own sexuality in her mid-40s.  I was recently brought to unbelievable inspiration and profound tears watching one of my best friends stand up and advocate for the voiceless on a global platform by sharing her own story of healing, courage and almost-impossible strength.

Time is going to pass anyway, but how we relate to our age and the confidence that comes with it is ultimately what shapes what happens inside of that time.