Age is a Mindset and Midlife Doesn't Mean You Are Done Growing as a Women

Okay, okay, I know: age is NOT actually, literally a mindset. Of course I know that age is a fact. But, if you have ever said “I feel old” then you will know that age is so much more than the number of years you have been on this planet.

I was recently at a party where a woman was accosting a group of younger guests about her age, which I would have guessed was somewhere in the early to mid 60s. She was gripping about this and that, in a way that made her stereotypically crotchety.

She was strongly advising them, half-jokingly and half-not-jokingly-at-all, “don’t get old”.  Listening to her was uninspiring, unmotivating and downright a bummer.  Luckily for me, she was talking to a group of Gen Zs who did nothing but roll their eyes and mumble “Boomers are so depressing” before moving on to talk about something more interesting like the dance that just went viral on Tik Tok.

 The conversation did, however, get me to start thinking about aging and how it is generally seen as a fundamental flaw, something to avoid, as if we had any real say in the matter.  More thinking later, I was grapeling with the question of Why the hell do we fear age so much?

Here’s what I came up with:

First off, there really isn’t much in the way of empowering or hopeful representation in media.  I was actually hard-pressed to think of any older characters that weren’t portrayed kooky, lonely, mean or downright senile.

Secondly, “older beauty” if you will is also not traditionally represented.  I don’t have to tell you that models are basically done for by the time they are in their mid-30s. We are terrified of wrinkles, stretch marks, sagging body parts and hair loss and favor anything that might course correct the inevitable, which is easily confirmed by the multi-billion dollar anti-aging industry.  Hands up if you own a wrinkle cream, cellulite lotion or have had Botox.  I know I am guilty as charged.

Furthermore, aging is often filtered through all the things that the clock will take from you.  You might have a harder time walking.  Your sight, smell or hearing might decline.  You might have more trouble engaging in activities that you once enjoyed. 

Lastly, the obvious one.  Of course there is the realization in all of us, even when it is merely a faint whisper, a shadow in the back of our subconscious, that as the years collect we will have to come closer to facing our own mortality.

All of the above is not lost on me.  And yet…

And yet… I am not buying it.  If I look back over the span of my life to date (and I am what we shall consider “middle aged”), all I can see is the tremendous accomplishments I have achieved, the relationships I have fostered, and the lessons I have learned.

In my own 42 years on the planet, I:

* was an actual baby

* learned to walk and subsequently talk

* completed elementary school, middle school, high school and earned four degrees

* made my first best friend and many thereafter

* had my heart broken and broke some of my own

* been a babysitter, a camp counselor, a day care center worker, interned at Planned Parenthood, spent 12 years as a private investigator, bartended for nearly two decades, volunteered internationally, was a mental health clinician at a hospital, a jail and many agencies, opened my own therapy practice

* adopted 5 pets

* got married to a pretty cool lad

* traveled to almost 30 countries in 10 years

* bought a house

* owned my sexuality

* found my spirituality

* learned to read, play chess, drive a car, cook, hike, scuba dive, pole dance, build an Ikea dresser (okay, I am still working on the last)

With ALL of that under my belt, I now have the lived experience to know better and do better with anything that is coming up next.  I am more aligned with my core values and am more attuned to how and with whom I spend my energy, money and time. I am more intentional and mindful.  The previous decades of my life have been full of challenges, epiphanies, relationships, adventure and lifelong memories; but I wouldn’t trade this moment to go back to any of those past points.  Instead, I get to watch each new day unfold as I learn more about the world and myself and I gain the continual opportunity to evolve and reinvent the things I want and need.

Yes, an inevitable part of aging in general is that our bodies will also age and with that might come unexpected limitations.  But, if I was able to teach myself to walk, I have a whole lot of confidence that I am able to adapt to whatever limitations I find myself with next.  I may have to change old patterns, adopt new ways of doing things or have to lean into deeper self-exploration, but the mindset around these changes doesn’t have to be filtered through deprivation.  It can be empowering, liberating, and maybe even exciting.  Older people can still accomplish things, both mundane, ordinary and comforting and extravagant and life-changing.

For some inspiration:

* Mother Teresa won the Nobel Peace Prize at age 69

* Susan B. Anthony was 80 when she formed the International Woman Suffrage Alliance.

* Julia Child didn’t publish her own cookbook until age 50

*At age 95, Nola Ochs became the oldest person to receive a Bachelor’s Degree… and then she went on for her Master’s.

*At age 75, cancer survivor Barbara Hillary became one of the oldest people, and the first woman of color, to reach the North Pole.

*In 2011, 81-year-old Lew Hollander, became the oldest person to ever complete the annual Ford Ironman World Championship in Kona, Hawaii, which includes a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike ride and a 26.2-mile marathon run.

* A recent study claimed that the age group who reported the highest sexual satisfaction were in their 60s.

* J.R.R Tolkein published the first installment of the Lord of the Rings at age 62

So, let this be a reminder to you: getting older doesn’t have to be something to fear.  It can be something to embrace, and…hell, even something to celebrate.