We only claim the identity once the result confirms it. Artist when it sells. Successful when the title hits. Beautiful when the mirror agrees. It’s intermittent reinforcement—like pulling a slot machine lever, chasing the rush and forgetting the losses. When we outsource our worth to outcomes we can’t fully control, we stay stuck chasing happiness instead of embodying it. Power returns the moment you decide who you are before the proof appears.

This week as I was driving my feral child to day care, I popped on an Audible to drown out another rendition of Wheels on The Bus … and I happened upon Malcolm Gladwel’s Outliers . (Sidebar: this has been on my list to read for years and it is not disappointing!)   But anyway , he reminded me something I have always been fascinated with: Did you know that studies show that you only need 10,000 hours to become a master at something? For context, that's roughly ten years.  

This week, I was doing what I do, scrolling on Facebook, and saw a friend post about his weight loss journey.    He looked f*cking fantastic.  It's why I stopped to look in the first place. But beyond even the obvious weight loss, the most noticeable thing about the “AFTER” photo was his big, beaming smile.   The caption told me that he had been showing up at the gym, focusing on his health, really doing the work. But tucked into his celebration post was an apology too- " I k

While it feels like two lifetimes ago, I can still remember lying in bed next to someone who was supposed to love me, who I was supposed to love back, staring at the ceiling, my body stiff with silence. The clock ticked. My chest was tight. And all I could think was:  why does this feel so heavy?   I told myself it was normal. That love was supposed to feel like work. That the pit in my stomach was just the cost of partnership.   But here’s what I know now: 👉 Love shouldn’t

No one told me it would happen this way.   Not in one dramatic moment, but in a thousand tiny asks: ✨ Smile when you don’t feel like it. ✨ Say yes when your body screams no. ✨ Don’t rock the boat. Don’t want too much. Don’t be too much.   And so I started handing over little pieces of myself. One compromise here, one silence there. I didn’t even notice how much was burning until I was standing in the ashes.   That’s what society does best—it doesn’t shove you into silence, it

Something people don’t always know about me is just how incredibly wild my career has been.   I’ve worked as a crisis counselor in a New York City ER. I’ve worked inside institutions in Sri Lanka with the NIH. I’ve taught sex ed in Philly high schools. I was a private investigator with the government. I got into the FBI.   But the one that always piques the most interest? My run as a mental health therapist in solitary confinement at the notorious Rikers Island.   Now—I’ll sa

Blaming them kept me stuck. Owning my response set me free. Because when my response is my responsibility, I don’t have to wait for anyone else to change before I do.

Deprivation mindset is dangerous...and...it keeps us stuck.