When you realize how far you've come

Hello you beautiful, perfect, divine goddess,

So I have to tell you a story — part to spill some tea and remind you that no, you weren’t the only one whose family triggered old wounds, and part because it’s a damn good reminder.

Let’s set the scene.

I drove 14 hours to go to Illinois for my favorite day of the year. My gorgeous aunt not only made a delicious assortment of treats, staples, and interesting additions to my favorite meal of the year, but she also surprised me with a birthday party for my 14 month old since most of my family lives far away and missed her first birthday milestone. 

Insert all the tears, pictures, connection, love, joy, and yummy food. 

So, imagine how hard my heart and soul sank when the topic turned to diets, public weight programs and what our scale has been reporting.

Normally, when these conversations creep in, I get defensive, annoyed, and honestly, angry AF.

There was even a time when old me would’ve jumped right in, bragging about my own scale victories…

(or cowered in silence if I was "feeling fat”… ). 

But this time, I did something different. 

I walked away.

Before I go further, I want to make this really clear: I haven’t always had a healthy relationship with food, my body, or the idea of abundance. 

Not even close.

As a woman of the 90s, I was drenched in childhood Weight Watchers initiatives (yes, childhood) Kate Moss “thinspiration”, and the birth of the ana/mia movement. (A reference that I hope has long lost meaning).

But now?

I stand six feet tall.

I truly couldn't care what I weight. 

I don't even have a working scale.

And when I recommitted to my health a few months ago—after healing from the birth of my daughter and a hellacious auto accident—it had nothing to do with numbers, restriction or punishment.

Nah, girl. 

Instead, it looks like listening to my body cues.

Feeling my strength climbing the stairs again.

Hiking. Moving for pleasure, not penance.

Eating cookies when I want cookies.

Enjoying kale when my body says, “yeah, this.”

And inside all of this healing, I’m also making sure that healthy, grounded messages trickle down to my very impressionable 14-month-old.

Harper will never hear:

“Calories don’t count on holidays.”

“Want to be naughty and have another slice?”

“I was so good today, I only had ___ calories.”

Because what I want her to be proud of is how she treats others not denying another slice of cake.  I want her to be focused on her passions, not her dress size.  I want her to know shes amazing, brilliant, curious, kind and funny as hell whether she is in a bigger, squishy body or a hard, lean one.

This recalibration has been life-altering.

Not only am physically so much healthier than I ever was in the restrict → overindulge → shame cycle, but honestly? 

I feel fucking fantastic.

I’ve been incredibly transparent with my family about this mission.

I’ve had many (many, MANY) conversations about not wanting diet talk around me—and definitely not around Harper.

And yet, there I was—on Thanksgiving—listening to my whole family talk about Monday weigh-ins, the weight of freaking shoes, and the “injustice” of not being able to weigh themselves naked.

While the resentment would have been easy to harness (because SERIOUSLY, HOW ARE WE STILL DOING THIS?!)—I accessed my “sounds like a them problem” energy and just walked out.

Which is exactly when something interesting happened.

After I gave myself a quiet high-five for a beautifully applied boundary (applying boundaries is such a thankless job), what washed over me wasn’t pride — it was compassion.

And a full-body realization slammed into me:

I am so not them anymore.

I no longer filter my life through what I’m lacking, or tie my worth to something fragile and arbitrary. 

Instead, I’m anchored to something deeper — something real, stable, soulful, and wildly more important.

Whether it’s good sex, fun money, a decadent dessert, an investment that will stretch me into a better life, a trip I know my soul craves, or an extra scoop of mashed potatoes— I no longer feel like treats are something I need to ration or justify. 

Abundance, desire, freedom, expansion, flavor, and pleasure are all around me, all the time, always.

There’s no moral exchange.

No punishment.

No “being good tomorrow” to make up for today.

On thanksgiving, I was offered delicious things.

I enjoyed them without guilt, shame or a second thought.

Today is a brand new day, and I’m excited for what it brings.

Yes, I had a salad for lunch. But only because my body genuinely wanted greens. I would feel exactly the same if I had chosen green bean casserole or leftover cake. 

This is what happens when you choose yourself.

When you recognize that you can have what you want at any time.

The revelation that you are the driver of you own life is pretty profound.

And here’s the part that maybe needs an additional bold font.

When you are tied to an outcome—when the number on the scale, if a client buys, if you partner noticed your new hairdo- you are in a captivity of your own making.

Take my family's very relatable obsession with their weight.

When they lose, they’re elated.

If they don’t, they’re devastated.

If the number goes up?

They collapse into silent shame and reenter the loop.

That isn’t wellness, growth, happiness, or forward momentum.

I’m not saying my family isn’t happy or kind or profoundly well-intentioned.

In fact, I would happily fight anyone who dares say my family is anything less than divinely amazing.

But I am saying that they are stuck.

And that…

You might be stuck too.

And the thing is… it’s not that I feel better than anyone.

Truly — not a flicker of that exists in me.

But I do feel like I’m here to show women what’s actually possible when they stop living on autopilot…

when they step out of the loops that have run their lives for decades…

and when they finally choose a life that expands them, excites them, and lights them the eff up rather than commands them to focus on how to become smaller.

And here is what else I know:

Once you feel that kind of abundance, freedom, pleasure and audacity, there's no turning back.

What once felt like a normal conversation at a holiday with people you love suddenly becomes a glowing marker for how far you have come and a very clear sign of where you are going.